its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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