Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
