alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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