I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize