I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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