Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
