Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
