Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
