Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
