I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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