I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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