I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
