I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize