i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
