Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You are the jesus of drinking
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
