My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
