i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
