If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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