My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Randomize
