I'm so fucking centered right now
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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