I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
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