He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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