I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
