If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
