if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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