dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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