'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We left an ass print on the piano.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
