Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
