i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
