Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
