Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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