My first STD was from a foam party
I need help removing her.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
