Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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