yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
