I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I wear drunk well.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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