Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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