we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
