Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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