The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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