I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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