I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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