He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
