maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
It's like God shit irony all over that family
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
