Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize