party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
