Swine flu is the new snow day.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
