I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
What drink are we having for lunch?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize