How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
