I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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