don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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