party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
do nipples grow back?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
