My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
