Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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