at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
