I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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