At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
