I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
