She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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