Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
