I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
