Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize