Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
