Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
