guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
