i just had sex bonerless
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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