I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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