my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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