i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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